This is a collection of CAE (Cambridge C1) essays written by my students, with my thoughts about them. There’s also a video I made of me writing an essay.
If you want CAE writing tips, there are lots in the writing section of this site.
Special pandemic offer: For a limited time I am giving feedback on essays (and reports, proposals etc) sent in by students. Students like you! 5 exam task corrections for 50 Euros. It can be 5 essays or 2 essays + 3 proposals or whatever combination you want.
The feedback is now in VIDEO FORMAT. It’s amazing.
Now on with the examples.
Table of Contents
Example Essay 1 - Too Much Traffic
Example Essay 2 - The Kardashians
TASK
Aspects of reality and talent TV shows
entertainment for viewers
influence on young people
effect on participants
Write an essay for your tutor discussing two of the aspects in your notes. You should explain which aspect you think is the most important regarding these TV shows and provide reasons to support your opinion.
Reality television and talent shows have marked a turning point in the entertainment industry in just a few years. Yet, although all the fun, viewers are often left feeling dumb, pointless and empty after watching these kinds of programmes. In this essay, two aspects regarding reality TV will be discussed: the quality of entertainment viewers are getting and the influence it has on young people.
Some may find reality TV entertaining, yet it is not precisely adding positive values to our society. Flip through your channels for a minute and witness random people shopping compulsively or a judge humiliating amateur musicians on live television. It is not to say that we should rely on TV to educate us, it is to say that its influence on the viewers must never be underestimated. Again, should a person in a power position mistreat another on prime time, why would not the rest of us do it at school or at work?
Closely related to the point mentioned above is the influence that reality television has on our young. Not only is it worrying that our children's ultimate goal is to be like Kim Kardashian, but also it is putting unnecessary pressure on parents. On one side, some of them state to be preoccupied for allowing their children be influenced by pointless characters. On the other, the younger ones might get mocked at by peers for not being up-to-date with the latest episodes.
In my view, it is essential to limit and supervise the amount of time children and adolescents spend in front of the television. Otherwise, they could be easily deceived by the numerous illusions reality TV wants to sell.
Feedback:
A great essay! It flows well and there are lots of variations in sentence style that makes it interesting to read.
The first sentence is one of the weakest, which isn’t ideal. A turning point from what to what? From boring TV to the golden age of TV? From TV as a tool for mass education to a tool for stripping everyone’s dignity? (In contrast, the final sentence is super, so it ends on a high note.)
There are some mistakes.
• Yet, although all the fun, viewers are often left feeling dumb, pointless and empty
This should say despite all the fun, and pointless isn’t a feeling. Right now I can’t think of a better word. I’d rearrange it to something like: viewers are left feeling stupid, empty, and that life is pointless/and that they are wasting their lives.
• Some may find reality TV entertaining, yet it is not precisely adding positive values to our society.
The continuous tense as used here doesn’t feel right. We’re not talking about something happening now but a general trend, so the simple tense would be better. And the phrase is better with exactly (instead of precisely).
It doesn’t exactly add positive values…
The only mistake that really stops me from understanding her point is this one:
some of them state to be preoccupied for allowing their children be influenced by pointless characters.
I would guess that ‘state’ should be ‘claim’. Some parents claim. Or ‘some parents say they are preoccupied’. But I can’t work out the meaning of the sentence because preoccupied doesn’t seem to have been used correctly. It means ‘busy with other things’.
So the student would probably not get the highest possible score for language, but I would imagine she’d score very highly.
I really like the phrase ‘closely related’ as a way of introducing the next topic. But remember the task is to say which aspect is more important. Better to make it really clear that you are answering the question. You could do it like:
Closely related to but even more important than the point mentioned above...
Maybe it’s just because I haven’t had my lunch yet, but I’m not 100% sure the student actually fulfills the task. Did she say which was more important? She talks about one aspect, then another aspect, and mentions the second aspect in the conclusion. I’d be much happier if there was at least one line comparing/contrasting the two aspects.
Example Essay 3 - Young People vs Science
This is from an official Cambridge test book. The task says:
Your class has listened to a radio discussion on how more young people can be encouraged to study science. You have made the notes below.:
If you’ve already read the writing tips section, you might have seen this essay answered by another student. It’s here in this article called ‘Improving a CAE Essay’.
Here’s another student’s attempt:
How to encourage young people to study science
Recent discussions center around how to encourage young people to study science. The main options are advertising and school programmes.
School programmes are considered as a very effective channel to reach young people. There can be no doubt that the schools and teachers play not only a crucial role in a child’s development, but are vital as well to arouse their interest for everything, as they are in direct and everyday contact with them. It has been suggested that parents should also educate and teach more their children in a more scientific way, but this is rather a disputed than an established fact.
Although school programmes may be very successful and constructive for the pupils, it is probably true that the effects of advertising might have more positive consequences on the encouragement of children to study science. First, advertisements has a way to much forms: from a simple flyer to social media and it can carry a clever, funny and profound message that can easily reach young people. On the other hand, advertising happens generally in an indirect way that has been proven more powerful. Don’t underestimate the influence of advertising!
Taking everything into consideration, I believe that advertising would help more than school programmes in the end to encourage the pupils, as it inspires everybody and brings awareness to science in a proven and practical way.
Feedback:
This student worked a lot on her writing and a few months after writing this, got a good C grade.
There are lots of little mistakes but also lots of nice ‘set phrases’. This student is from Eastern Europe and her language doesn’t have articles (the, a) so that was an area I tried to make her focus on.
The main problem with the essay is that it isn’t really clear what she believes. When I talked to her, I realised that she thought ‘on the other hand’ meant something different from what it actually means. So the section about advertising is VERY confusing!
Example Essay 4 - Kids and Exercise
And my student’s essay:
Motivating children to do regular exercise
Today’s biggest challenge is in child education and parenting, how to motivate children to do regular exercise. Is your child also unwilling to use his excessive energy? I am happy to share with you two very good ways: school and parental example.
First of all, recent studies have shown that schools play an essential role in stimulating children’s motivation to do exercises. There are certain schools specialised in sports that are without any doubt very effective to support your children’s interest and motivation in any sport. Further, a surprising fact, almost every regular school is associated with a (or has its own) sport club offering a wide choice of sport activities.
The other way is your personal (parental) example. Children have a lot of energy and they need to build it up in order to reduce the daily stress and process emotions. It might not be astonishing for you that they are learning by copying their parents. So, the more time you spend with your kid(s) being active, the more likely they’ll be motivated in doing exercises. In addition, don’t be afraid to let them try out every sport they show interest for!
Taking these ways into consideration, I believe that in first instance parental behavior would help more to encourage children towards active lifestyle. In lack of this, the schools are just the second best option, but they complete each other very well.
Feedback:
This student lives in Switzerland and to me the first sentence is a quite Germanic word order. It would be MUCH clearer like this:
The biggest challenge today in child education and parenting is how to motivate children to do regular exercise.
That’s the kind of simple switch that is SO HARD and only comes through lots of practice and correction.
It’s much more clear what the writer thinks in this essay than in essay 3. So when she makes a mistake like ‘build it up’ (she means burn it off) we can still understand what her point is.
So it’s pretty good, with lots of room for improvement.
Example Essay 5 - Young People Prefer Cities
The following essay was written by a student named Alina and is based on this task:
There is much evidence that more and more youngsters have opted to stick to urban areas in the recent few decades. There are several grounds for such a tendency; however, it is generally believed that a wide range of job opportunities and a great variety of entertainment are among crucial factors. But what is the major reason for young generation to settle down in the urban areas?
To begin with, numerous companies and businesses presented in big cities serve as an enticement for young adults, who look to embark on a career in a dynamic working environment offering both professional development and competitive salaries. Not only do they seek for career prospects and financial reward, but also fast-paced fields with cutting-edge technologies and challenging tasks are valuable for young people. However, some lucrative position at first sight might as well turn out to be another heavy workload with endless red-tape and mundane tasks.
Conversely, a hectic social life is what anyone would never fail to discover in any big city with a broad array of attractions for locals and tourists. There is also a great choice of activities to everyone’s taste – one can have a full diary for every weekend as a party animal or a true culture vulture – something is sure to be cooked up for you to brighten your mood.
Unquestionably, local authorities should not underestimate the role of cultural events and put an emphasis on developing focal points to liven up rural areas which can potentially reverse the trend.
Feedback:
This is good! Lots of good language and I think it’d get a good score.
You can read through it and pick out some nice, advanced phrases like ‘conversely’, ‘culture vulture’ and ‘it is generally believed’.
But not all of the advanced language is used correctly. Hectic is a fairly negative word but here it seems to be used as a positive thing. Instead of ‘tendency’ it should be ‘trend’.
And there are some more basic mistakes too. Seek means look for, so ‘seek for’ actually means ‘look for for’ - no bueno! Settle down in urban areas.
Those are areas to improve but they aren’t necessarily going to reduce the grade much. The real question is, did Alina complete the task?
Mostly. She discusses two of the three points and she kind of says which is more important. But she does it by trying to solve the problem of young people moving to cities. I don’t think this is a task where you should do something like that. You aren’t asked to comment on whether it’s a good or bad trend - just why it happens.
The last paragraph should be ‘culture is the main reason that young people move to cities because [they want action and excitement].’ This way it’s 100% clear that you are doing the task - your answer isn’t hidden .